After my Week 5 100 Day Challenge post, I assume the only ones reading this post are those that are truly concerned for my mental well being. This is something we have both been concerned about on more than one occasion. I am starting this Blog post without even knowing what to title it. I think I will figure this out as I go.
Here is the crux of the problem, but please understand I can not go into the details as I could in person. I am transparent as I can be, but this is on the world wide web, so I do have to have some self imposed limits. The problem is that I feel compelled (yes by God) to do something that I feel will be just one more step of futility. I want to be obedient to His will, I am just tired of getting hurt and disappointed in the process. My life verse of Hebrews 11:1 can only take me so far. Perhaps my faith needs to be strengthened as well as my abs.
I have taken measures, so that I am the one that bares most of the brunt of the possible disappointment. This is an ongoing course of action for me. In most cases, people have no idea of what I have attempted to spare them of. In many cases, I am accused of evil for doing so. Yeah, I am tired of that too. Me being obedient to God, and getting disappointed, is one thing. Me raising the hopes of others and seeing their disappointment is an entirely different sort of pain. One that I would be responsible for. It is better for me to simply keep this between God and myself. Wow, this is getting darker than I imagined.
Okay God, let’s have it out. I don’t like what you are asking me to do. I know you are capable of ALL things. I just do not know you are WILLING to heal my loved one. I struggle with that. I know you love me and them, but I am a little weary of this heavenly chess game and being a sacrificial pawn. Sorry guys, I am just being real with God. If this never gets published, look for traces of lightening bolts.
I am going to do Your will, just like the reluctant son working in his Father’s fields. I am not happy about it, but I have learned to be obedient. I wish I could just understand your end game a little better. I just wish I could trust you. I just wish it wasn’t so hard.
In my quiet time, when I am often prompted to write these blog entries, it occurred to me that God is grieved the same way as I am. There are people that seem to be oblivious to the harm they are doing to themselves. Diabetes, heart failure, strained relationships, damaged marriages and on and on and on. In so many cases, even though I can show them the facts, they are unwilling / unable to change their self destructive behavior. That grieves my heart, just like my bad choices grieves God’s heart. This is part of the burden of frustration. It is not just about healing of the body. It is a necessary healing of their body and soul. Their spirit is fine, but their body and soul are damaged, flawed, confused, irrational and just getting worse.
You see, I am not really angry with God. I am just frustrated with life in this fallen world and the inevitable pain that comes with it. Yes my wife, family and friends makes it bearable and often enjoyable. Life is just so full of pain too. Pain that I can not avoid or help others to prevent. Pain plus frustration is at the heart of a Father’s greatest wound. To see pain inflicted on our loved ones, and to be powerless to prevent it, is a pain straight from the belly of hell. (I guess I just figured out my title).
So, what can you do? I covet your prayers for healing this weekend. Buffy and I are fine, but if I can motivate (after this dreary blog post) enough of you to bend God’s ear, perhaps He will answer my prayer. He will know what you are praying about. Either way, I will still remain faithful, whatever the outcome. Why? I have no greater hope then Jesus Christ, the indwelling Holy Spirit and the only True Father I have ever known. Be well.